The Realm of the Verbal Processor

Jarvis's Ramblings

Green Romans?

A few nights ago as my wife was finishing up the nightly Bible reading with our daughters, my eight year old asked my wife about the trip to Israel that our local radio station (KTIS) has talked about. One of the things that the station mentioned about the trip was something about “walking in the footsteps of Jesus”. My daughter was skeptical…knowing that there is no way that footprints could survive two thousand years. Julie explained that they were just meaning that you could visit Bethlehem, Jerusalem, the Sea of Galilee and other places that Jesus visited.

Marybeth thought for a second then very seriously asked if the cross was still there. I explained how the cross that Jesus died on was very likely used many times before Jesus…and many times after Jesus because of how the Romans used crucifixion as a means of execution.

Without missing a beat Marybeth sing-songed one of the more morbidly funny things I have ever heard:

Reduce Reuse Recycle!”

April 11, 2011 Posted by | comedy, Jesus, kids | Leave a comment

Why People Write Viruses

Tonight over dinner I was telling my wife about a conversation I had with someone today about a virus issue at a company. One of my daughters asked why people write viruses. Before I could formulate an answer I hear the lovely voice of my wife pipe up:

“Because their fathers beat them and their mothers dressed them funny.”

Now that I think about it, I don’t know that I ever did actually answer my daughter’s question! :-)

April 11, 2011 Posted by | comedy | Leave a comment

Dog that Speaks Southern

Although I currently live in Minnesota, I am from the deep south…the great state of Mississippi. A friend from Orlando recently sent this video to my wife and I was amused by this well trained dog who “speaks Southern”.

February 17, 2010 Posted by | comedy | 2 Comments

What Daddies Don’t Know

I got the following from Megan Trent (Rod Trent’s wife…the denmother). It is one of the better jokes that I have gotten over email in a while. Thanks Megan!

Tea Service

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had a little ‘tea set’ that was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!!’

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??’

October 8, 2009 Posted by | comedy | Leave a comment

Baby Observations

Having an infant in the house again has reminded me of many things that I had forgotten about after our daughters grew out of that stage. It has also caused me to learn a few new things. Here are a few that I have been reminded of lately:

  1. While it rarely happens, a child sleeping in on Saturday morning is a wonderful thing.
  2. Middle of the night diaper changes are often times the equivalent of attempting to wrestle a spastic octopus.
  3. There is nothing quite like seeing the unbridled joy on your child’s face when you walk in the door after being at work all day.
  4. Seventeen pounds doesn’t sound that heavy until that seventeen pounds is a teething baby that you’ve been holding for six hours.
  5. It is absolutely possible to fall asleep standing up. I’ve done it multiple times while holding a baby at 3AM. The feeling of knees buckling while holding an infant is scary.
  6. While the sight of a baby spitting up is bad, I promise you that feeling spit up is worse.
  7. Older children make great playmates for infants. Quite simply, older siblings rock!
  8. Sleep deprivation is a very effective form of torture…especially if inflicted by a small child.
  9. The sight of a content sleeping baby is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
  10. If a baby is going to sneeze during a meal, it will typically be with a mouthful of some dark colored food. Green beans are bad. Prunes are much worse.
  11. It’s really cute watching a baby smile in their sleep. I often wonder what they are dreaming about.
  12. Sometimes a clean shirt is nothing more than a target (for spit up, poop, puke, food, etc).
  13. Being a parent is exhausting work. There is a reason that God didn’t design us to do it alone. I have all the respect in the world for the single parents out there…you have a really tough job.
  14. If teenage kids had any real idea of how much work being a parent is, there would be significantly fewer teen pregnancies.

May 29, 2009 Posted by | comedy, kids, life | 2 Comments

ConfigMgr Child Labor Bloopers

By request of multiple people, here is the bloopers video from the ConfigMgr Child Labor video. Enjoy.

May 12, 2009 Posted by | comedy, kids, MMS, video | 2 Comments

ConfigMgr Child Labor Video

This is the follow up to the video that was shown at MMS 2008 showing my five year old daughter deploying systems using ConfigMgr. I used this during the intro to my “Operating System Deployment in the Real World” session at MMS 2009.

April 29, 2009 Posted by | comedy, ConfigMgr, kids, MMS, video | 8 Comments

Bulldog Cookies

Anyone who knows me for long knows that I am an Ole Miss fan. I had been part of the Central Florida Ole Miss Alumni Club for several years and was very pleasantly surprised to discover that there is a Twin Cities Ole Miss Alumni Club. It’s nice to have other like minded people to be able to get together to watch ballgames with.

One of the games that Ole Miss plays every year is the Egg Bowl. This is the game against the Mississippi State Bulldogs at the end of the regular season. It is named such because of the trophy that features a brass football, but the football is the shape of a football from 1927 (the first year the trophy was awarded), which looks more like a rugby ball…kinda egg-like. Anyway, this year was a very lopsided Ole Miss win (45-0). The Ole Miss defense held State to 37 total yards…and negative 51 yards rushing. They sacked the three Bulldog quarterbacks 11 times. It was pretty ugly.

Now, I don’t get into sports trash-talking. I’ve never enjoyed it. I don’t like being on the receiving end of it, and I don’t intentionally dish it out myself either. All that to make sure this next part isn’t misinterpreted…it’s not trash talking…just something I thought was funny. The week after that game I got an email from one of the guys in the Central Florida Ole Miss club. His ten year old nephew had come up to him with a question:

How do you make bulldog cookies?

I don’t know, how do you make bulldog cookies?

You put them in an Egg Bowl and beat the heck out of them for four hours.

December 7, 2008 Posted by | comedy, sports | Leave a comment

Funny HTTP 500 Message

When I got home today, my wife showed me the amusing HTTP 500 message that has implemented. I got a chuckle out of it.


October 21, 2008 Posted by | comedy | Leave a comment

Fail Open Goat

Yesterday Rod Trent linked to an article on Robert Hensing’s blog about a less than well researched article in USA Today about Firefox 3. When I went to the site, I saw Robert’s blog’s tag line…”Home of the ‘Fail Open Goat’ Award”. That got me curious, so I searched his blog to find out what it was about. That brought me to this page on Robert’s blog.

There is a breed of goats called myotonic goats. They have a genetic abnormality that causes their muscles to lock up when they are frightened, startled, or excited. The effect it has is that their legs get stiff, and they typically fall over on their sides. They recover after a few seconds and everything is normal…until they are startled or excited again. It’s actually pretty funny to watch.

To quote Robert on his blog, “I call them “fail open goats” because, well, that’s what it reminds me of whenever I see one . . . a goat . . . failing . .. open.” He created the “Fail Open Goat” award to acknowledge instances of product security failure.

All last night and after waking up this morning, I am walking around chuckling at the phrase, “a goat…failing…open.” I just can’t stop laughing about it. So…watch the video below, and think about that phrase every time one falls over…especially when the entire herd falls over after having an umbrella waved at them. You just might start walking around muttering “a goat…failing…open”.

June 20, 2008 Posted by | comedy | Leave a comment

Man’s Best Friend

Heard this on the radio driving in this morning and thought it was funny.

If you really want to determine who man’s best friend is…lock your dog and your significant other in the trunk. Open it up in an hour and see which one is happy to see you.

Not recommended unless you really want to spend the night in either jail or the hospital!

May 23, 2008 Posted by | comedy | Leave a comment

When the belly button pops…

Julie saw a shirt recently that read “When the belly button pops, you’re done!” I was highly amused.

Anyway, last night as we were going to bed, I reached over and had my hand on Julie’s belly…she has a little “bump” which is how I’ve been referring to the baby…”bump”. It just so happened that the way my hand was positioned, the tip of my middle finger was on her belly button. Then she coughed…and I felt the belly button pop out. She coughed again, and it popped out again. I started laughing, but she had no idea why. Once I told her, we both were dying laughing. We laughed so hard that we both ended up going into coughing fits after a few minutes.

It was so nice being able to laugh with her. That is the first time we have laughed together in the last couple of months because of the morning sickness. It was fun seeing her laughing and enjoying something related to this pregnancy!

May 15, 2008 Posted by | comedy, kids, life, relationships | | 1 Comment


This is the video that I posted about yesterday that was shown during the “State of the Nation” session at MMS this morning. It features me talking about how we are using SCCM OSD, and concludes with my five year old daughter using SCCM to deploy seven computers. Enjoy!

April 29, 2008 Posted by | comedy, ConfigMgr, kids, video | , | 6 Comments

Gestational Fuel

When Julie was pregnant with our first child, the food that she most often requested was egg sandwiches. Laurel “gestated” on egg sandwiches.

With Marybeth, the gestational fuel of choice was Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendy’s. I couldn’t even begin to tell you the number of times that I jumped in the car at odd hours to run to Wendy’s to come back with the golden food of that pregnancy.

This time around we are back to gestating on egg sandwiches. I’ve gotten pretty good at whipping one up in just a couple of minutes.

April 13, 2008 Posted by | comedy, life | | Leave a comment

Full Moon at the Swim Meet

We have some friends whose teenage sons are swimmers. They have only started swimming in the last year, but they are apparently really really good. The oldest placed third in his first swim meet…before he learned how to do a flip turn. He literally had to swim to the wall, stop, turn around and start swimming again. And he placed third.

Anyway, he was in a fairly big swim meet today. He doesn’t normally do the whole body shave thing, but this was a big enough meet that he did. One of the events that he was entered in was the 100 Meter Butterfly. Before the event, he didn’t make sure that his speedo was adequately tied/fastened/whatever…having never worn a speedo, I don’t know what he didn’t do right. But I know you can see where this is headed…

He dove in. The water ripped the speedo off. And he proceeded to finish the event naked…and mooned the spectators with every stroke.

His mom told us that there was professional level cheering going on. She also later told her son that it could have been worse…he could have been swimming the backstroke. He said he would have stopped if that had been the case! He also made sure everything was properly fastened before every other event.

March 9, 2008 Posted by | comedy, kids, life | , , | 2 Comments

Airport ODBC Connection

I realize the picture below is pretty bad…it was taken with my phone in less than optimal lighting. At first glance it doesn’t appear to be anything exceptionally unusual. It’s just a computer where someone is setting up an ODBC connection to a database.

What made this one comical to me is that the monitor that this ODBC setup was taking place on was a giant flat panel monitor hanging above the baggage claim carousel in the Wichita airport.

Dude…next time you might want to turn off that screen before you go advertising your database server’s name and other info to everyone waiting on their luggage!

Airport ODBC Connection

And yes…I blacked out the server name…just in case. I really don’t want a visit from Homeland Security! Although honestly, the picture was such low resolution that you couldn’t make it out anyway.

March 4, 2008 Posted by | comedy, tech | , , | Leave a comment

Dyslexic T-shirt

I have a nephew who is dyslexic. His mom is really wanting to find a t-shirt for him that reads:

Dyslexics of the world untie!

March 1, 2008 Posted by | comedy | , | 2 Comments

Error 80004005

If you have worked with Windows systems for long, at some point you have seen the infamous 80004005 error code. It seems to pop up everywhere. Problem is that it is a bit infuriating to try to figure out what it means.

Last year I was at the Microsoft Management Summit, and Johan Arwidmark was giving a presentation on Operating System Deployment. During the presentation, he mentions that error code. He then asked the audience if we would like to know what it meant. Since all of us had seen it and been frustrated by it, all of our ears perked up. What does that crazy code mean?

Johan then let us know. In his characteristic deadpan delivery he informed us that it means:

“That thing you were trying to do…it didn’t work.”

February 27, 2008 Posted by | comedy, ConfigMgr, tech | , , | Leave a comment

Minnesotans for Global Warming

Dang funny video! My favorite quotes:

  • “if we had some global warming, it wouldn’t be 20 below”
  • “set the flamingo free”
  • “turn our snow shovels into lawn chairs”
  • “just think, Northern Canada would even be inhabitable, not to mention Northern Minnesota”
  • “maybe we’ve got alligators, nah…muskies would eat ’em”
  • “yeah, cute cold blooded killers”
  • “I’d make you a fur coat…we gotta do something with all them dead polar bears.”

February 12, 2008 Posted by | comedy | , , | Leave a comment

Blackberry Outage

No this post isn’t going to have much in the way of anything technical about the Blackberry outage that covered North America today. This is a tribute to a great piece of writing.

On the FoxNews website, there was an article about the outage. It included the opening quote, ““CrackBerry” addicts were looking for thumbthing to do late Monday …”

It may be dumb, but I was laughing hysterically…looking for thumbthing to do…excellent!

February 11, 2008 Posted by | comedy | , , | Leave a comment

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